Buyers and Buses

Back in January I sold my house to a young girl who had a hefty deposit raised from the sale of her dead grandmother’s bungalow. That particular sale was “4 weeks from completion” to a first-time buyer who was paying cash. The words “4 weeks from completion” had only one word that had any truth attached to it. Completion. As in complete and utter LIE. So the conveyancing has crawled at a pace even a snail could overtake, culminating in the bungalow sale comletely collapsing because the cash buyer (who wasn’t a cash buyer at all) had his mortgage application turned down. So, my purchase collapsed and the house went back on the market.

That was 2 weeks ago. I’ve had another offer on the place since then. And miraculously the bungalow buyer has now managed to get a new mortgage. So, we’re all back on and I’m racing through the paperwork on the house I’m planning to buy.

So, why oh why oh why oh WHY does my Estate Agent persist in marketing the property? Seriously, how do these people make any money? Just because you find me 20 buyers does not mean you’re going to get 20 loads of commission. Eejits. Today they very kindly arranged a viewing for me. At lunchtime. During the United game. “But my house is sold” I objected. “We are ready to exchange, everything’s done. Nobody can possibly get to exchange quicker than my buyer unless they are Doctor Who and can go back in time in the Tardis. And also if they ARE Doctor Who they wont want to buy my house as they will already have a great big Tardis to live in”

“But you really should let people look round in case it all falls through,” says the agent. “It wont fall through,” I reply. “Even I can’t be that unlucky”. Eventually to get the agent off the phone I agree to the viewing. They’ve explained the situation to the viewer and they still want to come round.

Fast forward to Saturday lunchtime. My hangover from Friday night (more on that later) is abating but I haven’t bothered to tidy the house because, guess what, it’s sold and I don’t need to impress a viewer. The viewer turns up, stick thin Chinese lady with a baby. Her stick thinness and possession of baby are both utterly irrelevant points but I thought I’d make them anyway. The viewing progresses something like this:

Stick insect: You have a sold sign outside your house.
Me: Yes I do
Stick insect: Is your house sold then?
Me: Yes it is
Stick insect: So, you’ve sold it?
Me: Yes I have
Stick insect: So why am I here?
Me: That is a very good question. The agent apparently explained to you that the house is sold but you wanted to come anyway so please come in (and make it quick because I am missing the United game while I explain the bleeding obvious to you)
Stick insect: But if your house is sold, what’s the point?
Me: Again, a very good question. Look, are you coming in or what?
Stick insect: So, can I still look round then

We get through the lounge and into the kitchen.

Stick insect: I like this house. Is it sold?
Me: Yes, it’s sold
Stick insect: So I can’t buy it
Me: Well, you can if you can get to exchange quicker than my current buyer (I don’t mention the fact that current buyer was ready to exchange yesterday and we’re just waiting on the paperwork on the house I’m buying)
Stick insect: Right, so I can buy it then?
Me: Yes, if you can get to exchange quicker than my current buyer
Stick insect: My husband would need to see it
Me: So you want a second viewing.
Stick insect: Is that your cat?
Me: No, that’s the random kitten that keeps coming in and eating all my cats’ food. It’s a menace. Just walks in and makes itself at home
Stick insect: That’s nice. Are you leaving the cooker and washing machine?
Me: Yes to the cooker. The extractor fan doesn’t work. I’m taking the washing machine. You’ll have a nightmare plumbing a new one in as everything’s so cheap here the pipes keep blocking up and flooding the kitchen
Stick insect: That’s good, I really like it.
Me: Shall we go upstairs. Don’t worry about the marks on the bottom bannister, my cat thinks it’s a scratch post
Stick insect: I like the stairs.
Me: This is the second bedroom. I don’t use it as it gets unbearably hot from the airing cupboard.
Stick insect: I like the view.
Me: This is the bathroom. The radiator leaks and I have a feeling it may have caused some major damp problems in the ceiling
Stick insect: It’s a nice colour.
Me: And this is my bedroom.
Stick insect: Are you leaving the wardrobes.
Me: No, they’re mine. Have you seen enough?
Stick insect: Yes, I like it. Can I buy it then?
Me: Yes, if you can get to exchange quicker than my current buyer
Stick insect: I like it. And it isn’t sold?
Me: Yes, it is sold actually. Have you seen enough?
Stick insect: Yes, I will phone the agent.

I FINALLY get her out the house, we’re now halfway through the first half of the United game but as there’s no score at least I haven’t missed much. Five minutes later the phone rings.

Agent: Hello, it’s your idiot estate agent here (she didn’t actually say that, I made it up)
Me: Please don’t tell me you have another viewer who wants to see my house THAT IS SOLD
Agent: Yes, the lady who just came round wants to bring her husband to have a look. Can they come now?
Me: Now? They do know this house is sold, right?
Agent: Oh yes, we explained all that. So can they come and see it now?
Me: Oh go on then. What’s another viewing when you get to meet such intelligent people.
Agent: Right, they are on the way.

2 minutes later and they are back. The husband comes in. He is slightly more savvy about the process.

Husband: So, is your house sold then?
Me: Yes, it’s sold. Did the agent not tell you?
Husband: Well, yes but my wife wanted me to come round. So, it’s not sold
Me: Yes it is. We had some problems with the chain but they’re all resolved and I’m ready to exchange, in fact I could have done it yesterday had I not been waiting on the contract on the house I’m buying. That’s why most of the house is now packed into boxes. As I’m moving.
Husband: Great. I really like it. We’ll go away and think about it. Thanks a lot.

Jesus Christ. How do these people not fall down more?

I’m not going to answer the phone again today.

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