Is it really only Week 2?

It feels like this has been going on for years but no, it’s only Week 2 of the X Factor live shows. So, here we go again then. Lovely Nicolo has left us and the whole thing is more about the backstage tantrums and feuds than about any talent the show might produce. But let’s see what “Heroes” week gave us …

Storm – appalling shouty karaoke. I could sing better than that with laryngitis and a hangover.

Treyc – was all set to write that I think she may have peaked and then we got to the second half of the song and, to use a much-loved X Factor cliché – she made it her own. Stunning voice. Just love her. With they’d dispensed with the backing vocals though. She didn’t need them.

Paije – needs more stamina? X Factor speak for fat. Why the hell didn’t they just say that? And why does he have to run around the stage when standing still seems to be perfectly acceptable for some of the others? Why are we not hearing that Tesco Mary needs more stamina? Not keen on this song and the styling is appalling. But he’s lovely with a real talent and deserves to stay.

Wand Erection – first act of the night I’ve hated all along. Am I missing something? They are just 5 children who may as well be at home playing Singstar. They don’t gel as a group, there are no harmonies, one of them can’t even sing … and they look like they’re about 12. How is this a good thing? When I was at school I loved Duran Duran and A-ha – bands with men playing instruments and writing their own material. ‘nuff said.

Cher – we start with footage of her painted green and singing ‘Defying Gravity’ – if she can sing that (and I couldn’t tell from the clip), then why doesn’t she sing in her performances now? Let’s face it, she is a shit rapper so what is it that makes her so good? Onto the performance. Her “original” copy of Jay-Z’s sample from Annie didn’t suggest any vocal brilliance at all. She has no range and the rapping is completely incoherent. Rap lives and dies on clever lyrics and if your audience can’t understand what you’re saying then you’ve already failed. Send her home, tedious little chav.

John – he’s got a nice voice but he just isn’t special for me. Another boring song that a lot of the audience will not be familiar with. Still very surprised he didn’t go last week – not down to talent, just down to the fact that he has had the least coverage of all of the contestants and is lumbered with dull songs. But, as Nicolo showed, coverage is not necessarily a good thing.

Diva Fever – are they gay?

Rebecca – is she from Liverpool?

Aiden – what a difference a week makes. What last week looked like a genius interpretation of ‘Mad World’ now just turns out to be standard performance style. Unfortunately, the “scary eyed axe murderer” act just seems sinister when the victim is classic song ‘Jealous Guy’. Horrible. And he knows it.

Wagner – I don’t get it. He isn’t a good singer and he isn’t funny. What’s to like? And do we care if he’s getting it on with Tesco Mary? Personally, it’s not something I want to visualise. Oh God, now I’m visualising it. Make. It. Stop.

Katie – much better but I still don’t like her voice. It seems very strained to me. I also don’t buy the humble act, too little too late. But I think Cher is probably taking over the “most unpopular contestant” position so poor Katie isn’t even the best at being hated now.

Belle Amie – shit shit shit. Somebody also needs to tell them that you don’t start the feuding with your band mates until you’ve clocked up a few number ones. If Cheryl was their mentor they’d know that. Oh, and the eyeliner looked like that episode of Friends when Rachel gets drunk and draws on Ross’s face in permanent marker.

Mary – she really is in a different league to the others. Fabulous voice, fabulous emotion and amazing presence. If she doesn’t win this year it’ll be ridiculous. But if she does, what does that say about “current recording artistes” ???

Matt – a good vocal but I found it a bit dull. And now Louis has compared him to Bono I’m going right off him. With he’d stop putting his hands together as if in prayer whenever he gets a positive comment.

The judges – this week’s story is Louis vs Cheryl. Some might think this is because of professional rivalry but I think Louis is just pissed off that Cheryl’s new hair colour upstaged his.

This year’s lot are really really dull. The show has peaked too soon with Gamu-gate. Time for a year off perhaps?

Bottom 3 prediction? Belle Amie, Storm and John. But how I wish it would be Katie, Cher and Wand Erection. Belle Amie are shit but they don’t bug the hell out of me as much as the Hogwarts School Choir.