American Idiots

First time for a few weeks I’ve been watching X Factor “live” – I wonder if I will enjoy the programme more without the benefit of fast forward for the ad breaks. Possible as it means the dire performances will be diluted.

Right, here we go … first surprise of the night is chosen one Cher in the “death slot”. We learn that her nan paid for her singing lessons. Singing lessons? She should ask for a refund. Tonight she is massacring a song I really like – Alicia Keays/Jay-Z’s New York tribute. Her version has wobbly vocals and is more reminiscent of the Newport spoof on You Tube. She builds up to a crescendo. This can only mean one thing. She’s going to rap. She is styled to look like Vicky Pollard. This song is way too big for her. She’s shouty, snarly, keeps going flat and the judges are going to love it.

Mary’s up next. Did you know she used to work in Tesco? She seems to be getting a lot of early slots. Don’t think she’s in the producers’ plans for the finals. This week she’s playing into their hands as this is terrible, her weakest performance by a long way. Poor lady knows it as well. Louis is oblivious to her distress. The girls are going easy on her. Simon thought she sang well. But then Simon thinks Wand Erection equals a credible boy band. Louis will do whatever he has to do to get Mary in the final. Give her some better songs perhaps? I think she’ll be OK on a sympathy vote but next week has to be strong, she can’t sing her audition song again.

Oh look an ad break. And after that we have another intense, pitchy mess from Aiden and self-indulgent croaking and crying from Ms Weasel.

Katie’s up next. I like the make-up but the Worzel Gummidge hair is getting boring. As if we needed any further reminder that this girl has a massive ego, I mean is really really fragile, we have footage on massive screens behind her showing her lying in bed crying. It’s not doing enough to distract from another weak vocal and not doing anything to dispel the diva rumours. Why can’t she stand up straight? She’s going for a big finish. Unfortunately it’s completely out of tune. Louis wants us to judge her on her vocals. OK, bottom 2 then. Terrible. Dannii prefers Katie when she fights on her save me song. Don’t worry Dannii, I think you’ll be hearing another one of them this week. Cowell thinks she was a bit off in the middle. Katie isn’t having it and defends her performance. Silly girl. She is going home tomorrow.

Strangely my cats have not been bothered by fireworks at all over the last couple of nights but they have both made themselves scarce now this dross is on screen.

Next up intense Aiden who wants to show his fun side. So he’s doing Nothing Compares To You. It’s not as bad as what has gone before but he definitely hasn’t been on the happy pills tonight. I’m getting bored with the intense thing now. Can’t wait for disco week. The audience reaction is a little OTT for what was not that brilliant a performance but I suppose when you compare it to the unadulterated shite that has gone before, the boy deserves a grammy.

Another break and strangely straight back to the boys. Clearly we are building up to Wand Erection mumbling along to overpowering backing vocals for the big finale. But right now, it’s Paije. I love him and he hasn’t been getting enough credit. He’s mixing 2 songs together – I wonder if he wrote them himself like Cher did a few weeks ago when she rewrote history and took the credit for Jay-Z’s version of Hard Knock Life. Anyway, back to Paije, in another hideous outfit designed to make him look about 55. His American anthem mash-up is a mix of The Monkees and aptly named Outkast. This poor lad clearly is the outcast of the group as they just don’t give him the material, staging or styling to suit his considerable talent. Louis calls him a young Lenny Henry. Oh dear. I can just visualise the Digital Spy forum going into a racist meltdown.

Time for Rebecca. She is in a different league to the others tonight. Stunning and a voice that, I imagine, sounds even better live in the studio than it comes over on TV. She has a beautiful, haunting quality – I didn’t “get” her at the start but this – not Cher’s weak warbling last week – is the performance of the series. Matt (the decorator) is going to have to do something pretty special to better this.

Another break and it’s time for the people’s favourite – Wagner (it’s pronounced Vagner Louis, or should that be Lewis …) What the HELL is he doing? Actually he’s doing the same thing he’s done every week – sung out of tune and out of time surrounded by scantily clad girls. That said, the second part wasn’t as horrendous as usual but this just means it wasn’t bad enough to be funny, it was just bad. Cheryl’s having a major sense of humour failure which is enough to give him my vote (not that I vote …). He says he sings out of tune and out of time because he’s “only human”. What’s Katie’s excuse then as she is an alien from the planet Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Here comes Matt with yet another girl’s song. I’m a bit over Matt. His performances are rather like his former decorator career – watching paint dry. Apparently Matt deserves it because he’s dedicated a lot of his life to it. I’ve dedicated quite a lot of time to trying to win the lottery. So give me the money Camelot you bastards. Matt is reverting to his audition song. Wimp. He’s good though. It’s another performance that, like Rebecca, I imagine sounds amazing live. Dannii is crying. So would I be if I knew I had a genuinely talented act who was doomed to a runner up slot as the script says a bunch of tone deaf 12 year old boys who can’t dance have to win it.

Cowell says it’s the Matt and Rebecca show tonight. He speaks truth. Unfortunately we all know he’s going to end the show speaking utter crap and putting the Wand boys up there as well.

Treyc – another vocally perfect performance. She doesn’t have anything unique about her but she ticks all the boxes as a big voiced belter. She looks gorgeous as well. Bitch. Simon gives some very valid advice about her needing to find a bit more confidence. Rent-a-mob audience boo him. She’s very articulate. In X Factor world this is not a good thing as they don’t want people who can think. Treyc needs to study a few Stacey Solomon videos and come back next week gibbering like an imbecile.

Another break. Jesus. But I suppose they need to make sure Wand Erection don’t need their nappies changed before going on stage … I hope the fireworks from over the road drown Zain out.

And finally it’s the climax of the show – the future of the British music industry, the Hogwarts School Choir. The backing vocals are now so loud for their performances that we can’t hear Zain at all. But having heard Zain, this is a good thing. They shuffle along the walkway that goes around the judges and the audience goes wild. They probably sound better in the studio as well, above the screaming you wouldn’t be able to hear them at all. The judges ignore the fact that they have no presence, can’t dance, can’t sing harmonies and need to be boosted by backing vocals to even get through a song. Anybody would think Simon tells them what to say …

I hope we see the back of Katie this week. She has some pretty stiff competition for worst act this week but I can’t cope with more of her tear-stained meltdowns. Matt and Rebecca are the stand-out talents now, leaving the rest way behind. But in X Factor world that means nothing. Beware Wand Erection – for they have the Cowell PR machine behind them. Depressing stuff.

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