Don’t go breaking my heart

Here we go again – in the wake of last week’s shock survival of evil Katie, I’m pretty sure Paije will be the next victim of the judges’ obsession with saving the croaky voiced drama queen. This week is Elton John week – yes, that’s right, the search for a current and contemporary artist will be singing the back catalogue of an artist who was at his career peak in the 70s and 80s. It’ll be interesting though – Elton John is a fantastic composer and a fantastic performer and I dread to think how this year’s terrible top 9 “take the songs and make them their own”.

Sure enough, as I predicted, this week’s show kicks off with Little Lenny Henry in the death spot – poor Paije is wearing another hideous and ill-fitting jacket and bow tie combo and delivers a rather breathless version of Crocodile Rock. The quality that he has in his voice isn’t beaten by the track though. I think Paije has wised up to the fact that the show is a farce as his happy chappie persona seems a bit defeated. The judges think he’s in trouble and blame the song. I blame the fact that they are taking a young, talented soul singer and turning him into some bizarre 1950s game show host.

Break time (we’re already on break number 2 by the way) and after this we have intense (i.e. crap) Aiden and Tesco Mary (she used to work in Tesco).

I think they want rid of one of Dannii’s acts this week as she has the “next to death slot” for Aiden to murder his Elton John song. Oh God, just when you thought he couldn’t get any more intense, he’s doing a creepy, pitchy version of Rocket Man . It starts off out of tune and bloody awful. Aiden has terrible styling as well – looking a bit like a young Cliff Richard – he’s trying a few “moves” this week, it looks a bit like he’s having a fit. The song picks up a bit halfway through, I think he needs to stop trying to be unique and just sing as when he isn’t trying to come over like an axe murderer, he has a half decent voice. Ironically, Louis criticises Aiden for “changing the melody”. Right. Wagner never does that, although to be fair he doesn’t so much change the melody as crush it into submission. Aiden gives us one of his scary, slightly manic grins – the quiff is hitting Jedward proportions.

Tesco Mary time. She had a shocker last week and tonight she’s doing The Lion King – interesting, I thought that would go to the Hogwarts School Choir. Another shit choice from Louis. She sounds like a bad pub singer – it’s beginning to expose the fact that her vocal range isn’t brilliant. She’s good when she belts but the softer parts of the songs are not so hot. It’s a bit flat and I’m bored. She bellows out a few big notes at the end and the audience goes wild. Simon agrees with me about the pub singer but apparently it worked “because she has a heart”. What? Is this the Wizard of Oz? Is somebody going to give the judges a brain so they can finally help Katie to click her heels together and go home tomorrow?

Another break and it’s time for the marmite contestant (assuming, that is, that everybody in the world hates marmite) – Katie Weasel/Waissel. She’s dressed as Amy Winehouse this week – guess the rumours about them going out on the lash together have had their impact. Lyrics are completely incoherent and she’s being drowned by the backing track. Judging by her vocals in previous weeks, this is a good thing. Simon still likes her because she’s a fighter – nothing to do with the front pages she’s generating for the show then? Cheryl admires her resilience. Dripping insincerity. Odious girl then bizarrely starts talking about the ‘Pride of Britain’ awards, clutching at the “inspired by kids” straw – she’s a walking cliché and I cannot bloody stand her. I’m beginning to think she might be Heather Mills in disguise. Or the Wicked Witch of the West.

Matt’s next. Oh what a surprise, he’s singing falsetto. It’s not quite working this week – jumping between falsetto and normal range feels a bit laboured. Oooh look, more Wizard of Oz – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. He doesn’t look well, a bit like he’s had a really bad allergic reaction to something – Katie’s singing perhaps? I like Matt, but the little praying gesture is getting really tired now.

After the break it’s Cher. Oh God she’s just going to stand and sing. Much as I hate the rapping, as Cher has a terrible terrible voice, just standing still as if she is an accomplished vocalist is a big mistake. This week she looks like a kid on Junior Stars in their Eyes doing Cheryl Cole although strangely her singing is ever so slightly better than her mentor (so is my cat’s). The warbling around the notes is not pleasant. Oh dear God, I spoke too soon, she’s doing her usual shit hop rap thing. Can’t understand a word she’s mumbling. This girl could turn grand opera week into a tuneless gangsta mess. Innit blud.

As if the show hasn’t been bad enough so far, now it’s time for Wagner. He looks a bit constipated and the dancers are back again to distract us from the fact that he isn’t actually talented OR funny. I think he could be in trouble tonight as this is almost in tune. In fact it’s one of the more in tune performances of the night.. It’s pretty much the same as last week. Dannii criticises him for talking more than singing – so how is Cher a genius performer then? That’s all she does.

We’re on the home strait now – Wand Erection have been allowed to stay up way past their bedtime to get one of the prime performance slots. In rehearsal they actually appear to be wearing babygros which is the highlight of the whole show, perhaps the series. Liam starts off quite well. Sadly it’s then taken over by Zain (who is tone deaf) and Harry who is ridiculously weak, but apparently he’s the one all the girls fancy so it doesn’t matter that his vocals are all over the place. This is one of their better performances though to be honest. I still don’t see the point of the blonde one and the one with the manic grin. They also really need to work on their miming as some of them are well out with the backing track on the chorus.

Finally … Rebecca. We’re going down the single mum route this week rather than the fact that she’s from Liverpool. Rebecca is singing Katie’s farewell song – Candle in the Wind. She has a slightly Amy Winehouse quality this week – in a good way. It lacks a little emotion for me but compared to the shite that’s gone before (except Matt who is quite good), she is light years ahead. Oooh Louis reminds us that she’s from Liverpool. Phew.

The recap at the end of the show is almost more painful than the original. They should all be in the bottom two. I can’t see anything other than a Katie exit this week. But then I said that a week ago. And I think I also said it the week before that. Would love it if Wand Erection left as the results show is a boy band special with Westlife, JLS and Take That showing the tuneless twelve year olds how it’s done.

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