Letting it be

You will notice, dear reader, that I have become somewhat slack in my critique of the live X Factor shows. This is partly because the same thing happens every week – comedy banter between the judges that isn’t funny, the audience howling and booing every time anybody dares to offer a remotely negative comment (Simon: I don’t think you were good tonight; Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM, KILL HIM; Simon: (smug smile to camera) I think you were brilliant) and the fact that none of the acts are progressing – well not in a positive direction at any rate. After last week’s eviction of Paije (who probably gave the performance of the night, not saying much as Saturday night’s Beatles theme was a car crash of multiple pile up proportions), we are left with a not very magnificent seven.

Matt can sing but every week we are treated to the same over-dependence on falsetto. He isn’t exciting.
Rebecca tends to go flat and it’s very dull watching her stand and stare at the floor. Her most entertaining moment has been when she said she found it hard to sing and walk at the same time. Alexandra Burke she ain’t!
Mary can belt. But only if it’s an old standard. She isn’t contemporary and never will be. Not a problem in the bigger scheme but a slight issue when you’re looking for a pop star.
Cher, on the other hand, can’t sing. She has a horrific vibrato and without the rapping to break up the warbling, her performances are very weak. She was in the bottom 2 last week and, lazily, repeated a peformance from a previous live show. It wasn’t particularly good the first time (except in comparison to the other performances Cher has given us) but inexplicably saved her over vastly superior but less tabloid-friendly Paije.
Katie shows us the “real her” every week. Every week it’s different. Last week’s “real Katie” was the love child of Mia Farrow and Bilbo Baggins. She still has a stupidly weak singing voice but as the press stories become more and more outrageous (how are they going to top porn star granny?) her progression seems assured.
Wand Erection still can’t sing. They can’t even mime properly. Last week Dannii dared to suggest that the “backing singers” (i.e. those who mime throughout rather than just in the choruses) were out of time. Of course they were, they don’t have a clue what they’re doing. But apparently they are cute so that justifies their presence.
That leaves us with:
Wagner – the protest vote. I hated him at the start. I still get the impression he’s probably an odious little man, but his survival pisses Cheryl Cole off so much that it’s almost worth picking up the phone. Cheryl has come out of this series really badly and I think you can sense her awareness that it’s all going wrong. From Gamu-gate at the beginning of the series through to her rather ill-thought out confrontation with Wagner over alleged tabloid comments back-fired in a spectacularly entertaining way when the dark lord of song smiled sweetly and told her he had not been slagging her off saying she was a council estate girl who got lucky, he was actually saying she was an inspiration to everybody. We all knew he didn’t mean a word of it but Ms Tweedy had no response.

So, where do we go from here?

There is no stand out talent.
The “Vote Wagner” campaign is gathering such momentum that the contestants are rattled and speaking out against him (ironically including one of Wand Erection who didn’t think he had talent)
The sing-off means nothing as the judges save the ones who get press coverage. I can see that being in the bottom 2 is a suggestion that you can’t win the show but the likes of Olly Murs and JLS have gone on to finish second so have the likes of Paije and Aiden been shafted? Possibly.

The show is not about talent, it’s about the drama and the pantomime. They might as well give the contract to Ann Widdecombe and done with it.

Don’t go breaking my heart

Here we go again – in the wake of last week’s shock survival of evil Katie, I’m pretty sure Paije will be the next victim of the judges’ obsession with saving the croaky voiced drama queen. This week is Elton John week – yes, that’s right, the search for a current and contemporary artist will be singing the back catalogue of an artist who was at his career peak in the 70s and 80s. It’ll be interesting though – Elton John is a fantastic composer and a fantastic performer and I dread to think how this year’s terrible top 9 “take the songs and make them their own”.

Sure enough, as I predicted, this week’s show kicks off with Little Lenny Henry in the death spot – poor Paije is wearing another hideous and ill-fitting jacket and bow tie combo and delivers a rather breathless version of Crocodile Rock. The quality that he has in his voice isn’t beaten by the track though. I think Paije has wised up to the fact that the show is a farce as his happy chappie persona seems a bit defeated. The judges think he’s in trouble and blame the song. I blame the fact that they are taking a young, talented soul singer and turning him into some bizarre 1950s game show host.

Break time (we’re already on break number 2 by the way) and after this we have intense (i.e. crap) Aiden and Tesco Mary (she used to work in Tesco).

I think they want rid of one of Dannii’s acts this week as she has the “next to death slot” for Aiden to murder his Elton John song. Oh God, just when you thought he couldn’t get any more intense, he’s doing a creepy, pitchy version of Rocket Man . It starts off out of tune and bloody awful. Aiden has terrible styling as well – looking a bit like a young Cliff Richard – he’s trying a few “moves” this week, it looks a bit like he’s having a fit. The song picks up a bit halfway through, I think he needs to stop trying to be unique and just sing as when he isn’t trying to come over like an axe murderer, he has a half decent voice. Ironically, Louis criticises Aiden for “changing the melody”. Right. Wagner never does that, although to be fair he doesn’t so much change the melody as crush it into submission. Aiden gives us one of his scary, slightly manic grins – the quiff is hitting Jedward proportions.

Tesco Mary time. She had a shocker last week and tonight she’s doing The Lion King – interesting, I thought that would go to the Hogwarts School Choir. Another shit choice from Louis. She sounds like a bad pub singer – it’s beginning to expose the fact that her vocal range isn’t brilliant. She’s good when she belts but the softer parts of the songs are not so hot. It’s a bit flat and I’m bored. She bellows out a few big notes at the end and the audience goes wild. Simon agrees with me about the pub singer but apparently it worked “because she has a heart”. What? Is this the Wizard of Oz? Is somebody going to give the judges a brain so they can finally help Katie to click her heels together and go home tomorrow?

Another break and it’s time for the marmite contestant (assuming, that is, that everybody in the world hates marmite) – Katie Weasel/Waissel. She’s dressed as Amy Winehouse this week – guess the rumours about them going out on the lash together have had their impact. Lyrics are completely incoherent and she’s being drowned by the backing track. Judging by her vocals in previous weeks, this is a good thing. Simon still likes her because she’s a fighter – nothing to do with the front pages she’s generating for the show then? Cheryl admires her resilience. Dripping insincerity. Odious girl then bizarrely starts talking about the ‘Pride of Britain’ awards, clutching at the “inspired by kids” straw – she’s a walking cliché and I cannot bloody stand her. I’m beginning to think she might be Heather Mills in disguise. Or the Wicked Witch of the West.

Matt’s next. Oh what a surprise, he’s singing falsetto. It’s not quite working this week – jumping between falsetto and normal range feels a bit laboured. Oooh look, more Wizard of Oz – Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. He doesn’t look well, a bit like he’s had a really bad allergic reaction to something – Katie’s singing perhaps? I like Matt, but the little praying gesture is getting really tired now.

After the break it’s Cher. Oh God she’s just going to stand and sing. Much as I hate the rapping, as Cher has a terrible terrible voice, just standing still as if she is an accomplished vocalist is a big mistake. This week she looks like a kid on Junior Stars in their Eyes doing Cheryl Cole although strangely her singing is ever so slightly better than her mentor (so is my cat’s). The warbling around the notes is not pleasant. Oh dear God, I spoke too soon, she’s doing her usual shit hop rap thing. Can’t understand a word she’s mumbling. This girl could turn grand opera week into a tuneless gangsta mess. Innit blud.

As if the show hasn’t been bad enough so far, now it’s time for Wagner. He looks a bit constipated and the dancers are back again to distract us from the fact that he isn’t actually talented OR funny. I think he could be in trouble tonight as this is almost in tune. In fact it’s one of the more in tune performances of the night.. It’s pretty much the same as last week. Dannii criticises him for talking more than singing – so how is Cher a genius performer then? That’s all she does.

We’re on the home strait now – Wand Erection have been allowed to stay up way past their bedtime to get one of the prime performance slots. In rehearsal they actually appear to be wearing babygros which is the highlight of the whole show, perhaps the series. Liam starts off quite well. Sadly it’s then taken over by Zain (who is tone deaf) and Harry who is ridiculously weak, but apparently he’s the one all the girls fancy so it doesn’t matter that his vocals are all over the place. This is one of their better performances though to be honest. I still don’t see the point of the blonde one and the one with the manic grin. They also really need to work on their miming as some of them are well out with the backing track on the chorus.

Finally … Rebecca. We’re going down the single mum route this week rather than the fact that she’s from Liverpool. Rebecca is singing Katie’s farewell song – Candle in the Wind. She has a slightly Amy Winehouse quality this week – in a good way. It lacks a little emotion for me but compared to the shite that’s gone before (except Matt who is quite good), she is light years ahead. Oooh Louis reminds us that she’s from Liverpool. Phew.

The recap at the end of the show is almost more painful than the original. They should all be in the bottom two. I can’t see anything other than a Katie exit this week. But then I said that a week ago. And I think I also said it the week before that. Would love it if Wand Erection left as the results show is a boy band special with Westlife, JLS and Take That showing the tuneless twelve year olds how it’s done.

Is it really only Week 2?

It feels like this has been going on for years but no, it’s only Week 2 of the X Factor live shows. So, here we go again then. Lovely Nicolo has left us and the whole thing is more about the backstage tantrums and feuds than about any talent the show might produce. But let’s see what “Heroes” week gave us …

Storm – appalling shouty karaoke. I could sing better than that with laryngitis and a hangover.

Treyc – was all set to write that I think she may have peaked and then we got to the second half of the song and, to use a much-loved X Factor cliché – she made it her own. Stunning voice. Just love her. With they’d dispensed with the backing vocals though. She didn’t need them.

Paije – needs more stamina? X Factor speak for fat. Why the hell didn’t they just say that? And why does he have to run around the stage when standing still seems to be perfectly acceptable for some of the others? Why are we not hearing that Tesco Mary needs more stamina? Not keen on this song and the styling is appalling. But he’s lovely with a real talent and deserves to stay.

Wand Erection – first act of the night I’ve hated all along. Am I missing something? They are just 5 children who may as well be at home playing Singstar. They don’t gel as a group, there are no harmonies, one of them can’t even sing … and they look like they’re about 12. How is this a good thing? When I was at school I loved Duran Duran and A-ha – bands with men playing instruments and writing their own material. ‘nuff said.

Cher – we start with footage of her painted green and singing ‘Defying Gravity’ – if she can sing that (and I couldn’t tell from the clip), then why doesn’t she sing in her performances now? Let’s face it, she is a shit rapper so what is it that makes her so good? Onto the performance. Her “original” copy of Jay-Z’s sample from Annie didn’t suggest any vocal brilliance at all. She has no range and the rapping is completely incoherent. Rap lives and dies on clever lyrics and if your audience can’t understand what you’re saying then you’ve already failed. Send her home, tedious little chav.

John – he’s got a nice voice but he just isn’t special for me. Another boring song that a lot of the audience will not be familiar with. Still very surprised he didn’t go last week – not down to talent, just down to the fact that he has had the least coverage of all of the contestants and is lumbered with dull songs. But, as Nicolo showed, coverage is not necessarily a good thing.

Diva Fever – are they gay?

Rebecca – is she from Liverpool?

Aiden – what a difference a week makes. What last week looked like a genius interpretation of ‘Mad World’ now just turns out to be standard performance style. Unfortunately, the “scary eyed axe murderer” act just seems sinister when the victim is classic song ‘Jealous Guy’. Horrible. And he knows it.

Wagner – I don’t get it. He isn’t a good singer and he isn’t funny. What’s to like? And do we care if he’s getting it on with Tesco Mary? Personally, it’s not something I want to visualise. Oh God, now I’m visualising it. Make. It. Stop.

Katie – much better but I still don’t like her voice. It seems very strained to me. I also don’t buy the humble act, too little too late. But I think Cher is probably taking over the “most unpopular contestant” position so poor Katie isn’t even the best at being hated now.

Belle Amie – shit shit shit. Somebody also needs to tell them that you don’t start the feuding with your band mates until you’ve clocked up a few number ones. If Cheryl was their mentor they’d know that. Oh, and the eyeliner looked like that episode of Friends when Rachel gets drunk and draws on Ross’s face in permanent marker.

Mary – she really is in a different league to the others. Fabulous voice, fabulous emotion and amazing presence. If she doesn’t win this year it’ll be ridiculous. But if she does, what does that say about “current recording artistes” ???

Matt – a good vocal but I found it a bit dull. And now Louis has compared him to Bono I’m going right off him. With he’d stop putting his hands together as if in prayer whenever he gets a positive comment.

The judges – this week’s story is Louis vs Cheryl. Some might think this is because of professional rivalry but I think Louis is just pissed off that Cheryl’s new hair colour upstaged his.

This year’s lot are really really dull. The show has peaked too soon with Gamu-gate. Time for a year off perhaps?

Bottom 3 prediction? Belle Amie, Storm and John. But how I wish it would be Katie, Cher and Wand Erection. Belle Amie are shit but they don’t bug the hell out of me as much as the Hogwarts School Choir.